Pseudomorphic
by xsasuhinax
Summary: Elsa's mind-frame as she experiences her life from being close to her family to isolating herself for years. Starting from her childhood, her teenage youth, to the death of Anna, and her life after. Read as she struggles to keep her mentality in tack and avoid outside influences, including herself. -warning: depression, psychological, grim-
1. Never Dream

I never dream.

They were only bitter nightmares that plague my sleep every night. Ever since I developed the mental capacity to dream, I would dream of things that did not belong to me, and of a family that never existed. It was always terrifying at first, but once my subconscious knew that sooner or later I would be waking up, it died down along with the fear.

"Elsa. Psst. Elsa! Psst" a whisper ran through my dreary mind, gathering all my thoughts to comprehend and identify the voice. My dear sister Anna. How could I forget that it was her daily routine to wake me up from my sleep in order to play. "Wake up. Wake up. Wake up" she chanted as a songbird. I shifted and pulled myself to sit up straight, avoiding showing my body that had trembled through the night. It gave a feeling of someone who has just woken up from a coma and decided to start walking.

"Yes Marianne" I gently teased her by placing my finger to her forehead. Her cheeks puffed in annoyance, before grasping my finger with her hands to level it down.

"It's Anna. Or do I have to call you Elizabeth" I raised an eyebrow in curiosity and amusement, as she tried to stare me down. My eyes flicker to the window where the sun had barely begun it's rise, and then return to Anna's triumphed gaze.

"I don't mind really" I smiled with slight victory at my sister's upsetting defeat. I leaned forward and fixed the loosely braided pigtail on her left and added, "there you go" once I was done.

"Thanks Elsa. Anyway, let's play! Please" she bounced enthusiastically, as her beautiful green eyes shimmered in the dark. I always admired how beautiful my younger sister was, and how optimistic she often acted. My complexion was...decent, but often times I felt more like a ghost than a girl with blonde hair and fair skin.

"All right, but let's do it quietly" I placed my finger to my lips to symbolize that I actually meant quietly on my terms, rather than hers. She gasped and cupped her mouth to avoid bursting out in her usual joyful self. Then I realized...was she wearing makeup?

"I know the perfect place we can go and play" she hopped off the bed, before skipping around in a circle to wait for me to collect myself in order to get out of bed.

I was bothered by the fact that she was wearing makeup. Did she not remember that our parents would not approve wearing makeup at our ages? I wish I could wear makeup, but I knew better.

"All right, lead the way princess Anna" I curtsied, receiving a giggle from her. I smiled secretly, as she distracted herself with pulling me along with a lack of her usual elegance. I glanced at my surroundings as if it were my fist time, while she guided my through the halls of our home, studying the details, the textures, and the crafting from the carpets to the ceilings. However, she preferred the original design of the house that was incorporated in sketches for historical reasons.

"We are almost there Elsa" she looked back and waved a hand over her eyes to signal for me to close my own. I did for a brief second, but realized the moment she did cause a wave of anxiety over my own feet. A little peek wouldn't hurt, right? With no reassurance that Anna was not looking at the moment, I tried my best to open one eye without being obvious, but at the same time enough to see.

She had brought us down to one of the narrow hallways near the servants quarters, before I knew where she was taking me. When I had seen the dark and sturdy wooden door not far off to the side, I pulled her to a stop.

"Anna-" I firmly stated with a bit of anger building up in my chest. It subsided though as she gave me a look of innocence, showing me her ability to not be able to tell that I was upset.

"You were not supposed to look Elsa" she repeated the motion of her hands hat she previously did earlier, but I shook my head in disappointment. She was always breaking the rules, but it was not out of spite, or intentional rebelliousness. It was just Anna wanting to have some fun, and that was the Anna I always knew. She always loved to have fun.

"You know we are not allowed in that room" I gesture towards the door, expecting her...well, hoping that she would jump to her defense. Saying that it was not the place she was talking about. I was wrong though.

"How did you know" she slumped un-lady like, and skipped quickly towards the door as my eyes widen. "It's nice and big enough for us to hide if someone comes in. Not to mention-" I shook my head fiercely.

"I said no Anna. Let us pick another place" it was the first room we explored, and it was also the first time I started to dream, sort of. I wondered how often Anna went down there, because it certainly was too dangerous. Anna thought for a moment before clapping her hands and returned back to pulling me, except it was away from the grim door.

"Let us play in the ballroom then"I smiled and nodded in approval, causing her to speed up in the excitement. I wondered if Anna ever had a nightmare before, since I had never seen her once shown any signs of having any. Maybe I should let her know that if she ever had one she could always spend the night in my room? She might try and use that as an excuse to keep on coming in my room, and even if I do not mind it is my room while she has her own.

It had taken a while before I noticed that we were already playing a game of a snowball fight, using the snow that I conjured up for us. She was quick and reckless, yet decisive, while I, on the other hand, planned carefully, but was always conflicted of how to attack. In the end my sister was the victor, which left me on the ground covered in lots of snow, enough to send my sister into fits of giggles. She skipped over to me and offered a hand, which I took a moment to inspect.

Instead, I replied, "good job Anna. You won" and smiled as I stood up on my own. Anna, luckily, paid no heed to my rejection of her offer to pull me up. I waved away all the snow, which always seemed to impress Anna for some reason, and after a few moments of watching the sun rise through a window in a nearby hallway a soft 'ahem' drew our attention. Our lessons always started early, and soon enough both me and Anna were separated to be taught as the proper princess we were supposed to be; especially me.

The clock always ticked away and no comfort to me during my usual lessons. I sat perfectly straight in my chair as my teacher opens the book to a new chapter we were currently on. It was my homework to make sure I read the chapter before she would discuss it; otherwise, I would not be really learning anything.

There was so much history to take in, and sometimes it felt as if I could never really wrap it around my head. The information was vague and often did not provide a clear image of whether other historical moments that I learned were happening at the same time with the current ones that I was learning.

I always gave my focus to whatever I was learning, even the trivial information; otherwise, if the teacher saw me slacking they would not hesitate to play the guilt trip. After all, I was the oldest, and the next in line to the throne. I tried not to move my head with the motion of the keys from the piano as I played.

Hearing its soft humming tune made me feel relaxed, despite knowing that it was still a class. Still, even with the teacher carefully examining my every motion to reel out all flaws, enjoyed it.

Besides, who does not like music?

* * *

There is no pairing, and again this is supposed to be depressing. The follows the timeline of Frozen before taking a different term, and everything it from Elsa's perspective and mind-frame. Sorry no singing. If any singing it won't be written since it takes away from the psychological moments. I won't force you to comment but it always makes me want to update. Also esse by coalesce is still going but I lost the notes for the next chapter.


	2. Dark Door

My lessons went by as per usual, and after our meals I was able to spend a bit more time with Anna. I entered during one of her lessons on etiquette, and could see that Anna was not interested in the lesson one bit. The teacher was trying not to chuckle as Anna made goofy faces to the birds outside the window. I smiled seeing how Anna would lighten up the mood for everyone. It was always hard for Anna to get in trouble. She was young after all, and did not have the responsibility that I did.

"Bye Hilda, thanks for the lesson" she ran out the door quickly, pulling me along as I saw for a brief moment the look of realization of being duped on the poor nannies face.

"Princess Anna" but I chuckled when we were out of earshot. Anna slowed down but was still jumping and giggling the whole time.

"You should take your lessons more seriously Anna" I spoke softly and avoided making it sound as if I was disappointed. I was a little bit, but nothing to make Anna upset over.

"Let's play" Anna said, ignoring my statement and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. She probably wanted to make another snowman; however, I decided to humor her. After all, she was my younger sister and often did not know better.

"Of course Anna. What would you like to play" I placed my hands on her shoulders to keep her from spraining an ankle from so much jumping. We did not have much time to play before bedtime, so it did not hurt to let her choose what we should play often. Besides, I was too old for playing.

"Let's play hide and seek! Hide and seek" she twirled, before calming down to wait for my answer, which was odd considering she never waits to see if I wanted to or not. I placed a hand on her hand, "all right Anna... I will count to thirty and you will hide" her eyes widened and her body slumped forward.

"Only thirty" she whined, and I nodded gently.

"Yes, after all we do not have that much time to play before bed" her reaction went from upset to cheerful in a matter of seconds. I supposed she understood the limited time we had...that or she had some trick up her sleeve.

"Ok, you close your eyes and count. I will hide." Another reason I did not want to count for so long was because I did not want Anna to hide somewhere too far. The last thing I needed was to search the whole castle. It was uncomfortable closing my eyes. It brought back that same obscure paranoia to wash over my feet as the ocean, slowly trying to build up over time. Nevertheless, I closed my eyes to see the darkness ahead of me as I listened to the direction of my sister running silly.

I began to count out loud, trying to avoid counting too fast, but mostly to avoid counting too slow. I felt alone, but I also felt as if I was not. Hopefully, Anna would not get into trouble while hiding. Then again, Anna never got in trouble, she was well liked enough to get away with a lot of things. I knew better though.

I opened my eyes on the final count, and already mentally prepared which parts of the castle to search for Anna. Where could she be? I did not check her room, because that would be the last place she would hide, and Anna liked to think creative. I tried three of the drawing rooms, the piano room, the violin room, and my bedroom so far. When I peeked through the crack inside my room, for a moment I thought something was out of place. I could not tell what it was at first, but the longer I stood there trying to inspect every single detail the more I realized that I was forgetting to look for Anna. After a while I decided that I could just come back to inspecting my room after finding my sister, lest she suffocates wherever she is hiding.

At first I thought I was going to have to check on Anna's bedroom before trying a few other rooms. Just in case this was a trick that I had mentioned earlier, but then I stopped.

I stared ahead into the hallway that me and Anna were in earlier this morning. She would not go in there, would she? I had told her not to go in the room beyond the wooden door, but this was Anna. My heart raced at the thought that Anna disobeyed my warnings to hide in that room. It was dark, big, and dangerous. She could have gotten hurt by trying to hide in there.

If she were in there I would have to go in there, and I hated going in there. It was unnerving, but I still began to approach the door slowly and cautiously, as if I was expecting to hear her giggles resonating from the other side.

My hand touched the surface of the handle before I jumped, " I win Elsa! I was hiding in my room" and spun to see my sister rushing up to me. I quickly drew away from the door, like a hand to a match, and sighed in relief. I was just overreacting, and return my gaze from Anna to the door for a second, " you ok Elsa?"

I continued to stare at the door a few seconds longer and turned back to my smiling sister, "Anna...do you ever have bad dreams?" She tilted her head curiously, never dropping her innocent smile. She did not need to answer, I could already see it in her expression.

"No, why" I shook away her curiosity for my random question, there was no reason for her to be worried anyway. She was too young to have nightmares.

"It does not matter...either way, it is time for bed," this time I got to drag Anna back to her room, listening patiently as she whined.

"Awww, but why" she stretched out her words as someone who did not know how to speak properly.

With a quick glance behind I calmly replied, "because Anna, if we do not go to bed now, before they catch us up still, we will be in trouble." I heard her scoff and contained myself not to sigh. Sometimes, I felt the urge to sigh, roll my eyes, and scoff like Anna would do, but often times I would have to hold myself back due to the fact that I was still the oldest.

With my words of wisdom, she kept quiet for the rest of the walk back to her room, and when I peeked behind me to see how she was doing I could see the expression of boredom sketched across her face. She would have been scolded if she went around looking like that...or maybe she would not.

I guided her to her front door, before she held tightly onto my hand, "can you tuck me in Elsa? Please" her eyes sparkled with pleas, and I knew I could not say no. I saw nothing wrong with tucking my little sister in bed every once in a while, I just hope I would not get caught for being up so late.

The large window allowed the moon to illuminate Anna's room, making it easy to avoid some of her dolls and clothes that laid scattered amongst the floor. It was a very pretty room, and pretty messy as well, by the looks of everything, but there was one thing that caught my eye. The lighting from the sky made it so easy to spot, that I could not believe that I had not noticed it earlier.

On the end table beside her bed was a silver and pink music box. The next thing I knew I yanked my hand away, causing her to gasp, "why do you have my music box," I kept myself from raising my voice through gritted teeth, staring down at Anna with a fierce expression.

"I-I," her eyes shook, trying to avoid looking away, but the more she tried to keep focus on me the more she looked as if she wanted to cry.

"Why did you take it? That was given to me on my first birthday" I took a step forward and instinctively she took one back and clung her hands to her chest.

"I-I am s-sorry E-elsa. I-I saw the music box in your drawer, a-and thought you wouldn't mind," she bit her lip and tried to avoid from letting her voice crack.

The moment I saw a few tears spill from the side of her eyes my muscles relaxed from the tension, and instantly I felt nothing but guilt.

"No...I am sorry Anna...I should not have snapped at you like that" I strolled over to the table where my box sat, ignoring seeing her wipe away the rest of the tears. The box was light, made of silver, and the floral details were colored in a few different shades of pink. I turned back to my sniffling sister before I presented the box to her. "Here..." I looked away from what I was doing.

"B-but Elsa..." she gasped and rubbed away a few more tears, "I thought-" but I interrupted her.

"It belongs on the table, not in my drawers. You can make better use of it. I am too old for this stuff anyway" my chest felt a bit heavy giving it away, but it was true on all accounts. First, a music box belonged in a place to be seen and heard, not in my drawer hidden away. Second, Anna takes care of gifts better than her own stuff, so I knew it would be safe. Finally, I was just too old for silly possessions.

I watched restlessly as she hesitated on deciding whether or not she should take the box. She looked at me a couple times, as if to see in my face a expression that may hint to her on not taking the box, but I did not give her that satisfaction. She wanted the box? She can have it.

After a moment or two, her hands slid over my own before I was sure that it would not fall, and she smiled, "thank you Elsa.." I raised a hand in defense.

"Do not thank me. Think of it as the first part of your birthday present for tomorrow," she beamed hearing that beautiful sentence come out. She really did not think I would forget her birthday, did she?

"I have another gift tomorrow," she asked holding the box closer to her chest, and trying not to jump up and down in case the box fell. I nodded with a smile, seeing how easy she can go from one emotion to another. It was not a proper thing for a lady to do, but Anna was...special I could say.

"Yes, but you cannot tell anyone about either of your presents ok" I placed a finger up to show that I meant it, only lowering it back down when she nodded happily.

"I promise Elsa. I won't tell a living soul" she carefully, to emphasize her gratefulness, made her way to place the music box back where it originally sat. "When can I get my gift tomorrow?"

"I will not tell until tomorrow, especially if you go to bed right now," she understood well enough and tucked herself in bed. Not once since this morning had she asked me to show off my powers, which made me feel kind of ...glad.

"Goodnight Elsa" she snuggled in her bed, peering out of the covers to make sure I was still there. I turned and headed towards the door looking back with a small smile.

"Goodnight Anna," with that I closed the door behind me. I was left alone in the hallway, and stood staring at her door for a few moments before turning to head back. I was tired and a sense of guilt overcame me. I got upset at poor Anna, and even made her cry. I was a horrible sister to do that. If our parents or the nannies had seen that, they would have been disappointed in me. After all, I did know better.

I wanted to drag myself back to my room, but if someone saw me walking in such a way they would think that I did not take my lessons seriously. So I had to make sure that my walk was still graceful, being tired as I was. I closed and leaned against the door in my room. The room only looked different because my music box was not there, and I still noticed it despite being in a drawer. I guess I was a bit materialistic.

The bed looked very inviting to crawl in, but I was nervous. I was always nervous about going to bed, because that was when my nightmares would plague me every time. They were always the same, but I could never get used to them. How could I? They were indeed frightening in my perspective. I could only hope that one day it would just slowly die into pleasantness. It would be nice to have one good dream.

I peered at my surroundings and then towards the beautiful night sky. I wondered what it was like to stay up all night? Would it be as tiring the whole night through as it was moments before going to sleep? Or would it pass as if we had just woken up with the sun?

Tomorrow was Anna's birthday so I did not want to find out. I wanted to make sure I would wake up, take my daily lessons, and celebrate Anna's birthday. I was also eager to give her my special gift that I made just for her, and this would not melt, because it was not made of ice.

With that much thought, it gave me strength to get up slowly and head for bed. Another reason to go to bed was because I am supposed to know better.

* * *

Wow 5 followers in one day! I am happy, but comments, and your thoughts makes me happier! Please read and review! All comments are welcomed! or if you don't want to comment, spread the story! I am sure someone might like these types of stories!


	3. Melody Gift

"Wake up Elsa, It's my birthday today! Eew, you are all sweaty Elsa." I awoke to the sound of my sister being her energetic self. How was it possible that she was always able to sneak around the castle? The last time I tried something like that I was scolded by my nanny Linda.

I shifted to sit up straight and prevented a yawn to escape from my lips. The nightmares from last night had drenched me in sweat, so I ignored my sister for a few moments to get up and search for a towel.

I dabbed my face and hands before refolding and placing the towel away, " all right birthday princess. What do you want to do." Then I was met in reply with a surprise hug.

"I want to make a snow angel. Can we please Elsa? Please?" She begged and I lifted an eyebrow in curiosity. She knew she never had to ask, since we usually ended up doing what she wanted anyway. Maybe she was still upset about last night?

"Of course Anna. It is your birthday." I smiled, allowing her to grasp my hand and whisk us both to the ballroom to play. She began to dance and twirl the moment she entered the ballroom, following to the lack of music as I began to make it snow indoors.

I did not join in on making snow angels with Anna, since I was in my nightgown and Anna was actually dressed properly for the cold weather. She did not mention anything about my lack of partaking in the fun. Besides, I was content enough seeing Anna having a good time.

It did not take long for the snow to build up the layers for a snow angel, and within a few minutes Anna was all over the place. She had seemed to enjoy the snow more than I ever did. The snow and ice were beautiful, but often times when I look closely at it, it felt a bit morbid. I could never understand that bizarre and depressing feeling that overtook me when staring at my own powers for so long.

"Elsa, Elsa." She staggered up straight and rushed over to me, "where is my second birthday gift? Can I see it now, can I open it now?" I raised my hand and shook my head slowly. She was really eager to see my special gift for her, and secretly..so was I. It was the first time I decided to do something like this, and hopefully Anna would like it enough to be patient for the whole thing.

"Not yet. Your gift will come tonight. When the last light goes out, and when everyone is tucked asleep I want you to meet me in the music room. That is when and where I will give you my gift." It was amusing to see Anna's gaze as if this was some kind of mystical treasure hunt and not telling her what the gift was only added to the buildup to Anna's curious personality.

"Oh," she fell back into the pile of snow, and I leaned over to pull her back up. With a few motions of my hands the snow began to dissolve away, and spent the rest of the early morning once again watching the sun rise from the horizon line. It felt so good to be awake, but it also felt tiring.

Soon enough, our nannies had come knowing where we were at to take us away for our basic lessons. Anna had a few lessons similar to mine, but in comparison I did have the most responsibilities. Anna would learn how to read, play music, sew, knit, the basic manners of etiquette, while I had all that and much more. History, politics, currency, philosophy, reading different languages were a few additional classes to my basic studies.

It was important that I knew everything there was to learn about ruling and governing a kingdom, trading with others, building an army, and duties that were often given to a son that was heir to the throne. However, today my mind was not focused at all. Instead, I was too busy thinking about whether Anna would like her gift or not. Would she think it is trivial? Would she want something else?

I stared blankly at the book below me, until a tap brought me back to reality. My eyes gaze up towards the looks of a disappointed nanny, before looking at the ground in guilt.

"You are slacking Princess Elsa. This is not the time to be daydreaming." I nodded silently, deciding on if I should explain myself. It was Anna's birthday, so maybe she would accept her as an excuse.

"I am sorry Linda. I was just thinking about the celebration for Anna later today" maybe I should not have said anything. She shook her head firmly and sighed with discontent.

"Honestly Princess Elsa, that should be the last thing on your mind. When are you ever going to grow up? You are too old to be thinking about birthdays and celebrations. You are the oldest so you should know better."

"I apologize Linda. It will not happen again" I returned my attention to the historical book, but Linda was not finished.

"It is imperative that you do not mess things up Princess Elsa. Most kingdoms are dedicated to having a son as their heir. You should be grateful that the king has not tried to give birth to a boy...as far as we know" do not remind me.

"I know" I only replied.

"I know you know. You should know. Allowing a female take power of the kingdom is a risky choice. Your father is pretty much mocking society of the other kingdom, and there is a lot of tension because of this. Of course your father, the king, has been trying to stick it to the other kingdoms in order to display his 'divine right.' It is expected that you do not disappoint him, when it is your time to rule."

This was not the first time she had brought this topic up, but I nodded regardless. Right at that very moment there was a loud crash from outside the room, and I could hear Anna giggling and laughing. I knew it was her birthday, but should she not be in class right now?

"Princess Anna, please...let us at least finish up our lesson for today." The other nanny spoke to Anna while me and my nanny stared at our closed door to hear the conversation.

"I want to see if Elsa is ready to head to the dinning room! They are almost ready" my nanny sighed as Anna knocked on the door to our lesson room. However, Linda told Anna that I would be in the dining room in a few moments.

My classes had been cut short for Anna's birthday, giving me enough time to change to the proper attire. After having my lady-in-waiting secure the bun in my hair, I quickly, and luckily without notice, went to the dining room. The lights gave the large room beautiful and cheerful atmosphere, the variety of foods provided a delicious aroma in the air, and seeing all the staff members surrounding my family placed a smile upon my lips. The other children had come, as well.

Anna would definitely have another good birthday.

"Elsa you made it" she ran over just so she could squeeze the life out of me. I smiled again as my eyes glanced to see our parents here as well to celebrate Anna's birthday. They were usually so busy that we often barely saw them. It was probably the main reason Anna was so clingy sometimes to me.

With a pat on the back, I pushed her away so I could reply, "of course Anna. I would never miss any of your birthdays." She gave an expression as if she was about to cry, but I assumed it was the happy type of cry.

The celebration was merry, as all the adults drank and enjoyed their meals, while the children learned etiquette. They also learned how to dance properly. This made Anna felt as if she was extremely talented in dancing, since the children were not used to lessons for nobility.

For a moment, I was about to join in on the dancing, but I overheard some of the servants whispering" Princess Anna is so wonderful. They both are" I smiled.

"I wonder if Princess Elsa's birthday will be as nice?"

"Oh, I do not think Princess Elsa is very fond of birthdays" I stayed silent as the smile left my lips.

"True, she is growing up isn't she" yeah...I was, was I not? I stayed in my spot for the rest of the evening, including the opening up of the presents. Anna was young so she did not have to worry about growing up just yet. Even so, when the day comes and I become Queen, Anna still won't have to worry about any future and potential difficulties in running a kingdom.

It grew dark as everyone finally left, leaving the King and Queen to kiss both me and Anna goodnight before heading off to bed. Anna, on the other hand, was still ready to stay up late and have much more fun.

"Goodnight Anna" I waved and gave a small wink for her to play along, which she nodded and gave a fake loud yawn in response. The nannies escorted us to our rooms, and the moment Linda closed the door I jumped out of my bed.

I was afraid that if I laid in bed too long I would end up falling asleep, and I was not ready to go back to my nightmares tonight. I still had Anna's gift to present.

So I waited. I waited until the last light died in the castle as far as I could see from my window. I peered from my door before quietly stepping out to see Anna already up.

"Where is it" she whispered quietly, already eager to know what is was.

I shook my head, "not here. Just follow me, ok?"

She nodded patiently and grasped my hand for me to lead the way. Every corner I made sure to check before proceeding down the hallway. My heart began to race with guilty thoughts for sneaking around. I should not be doing this, but once a year would not hurt. At least on Anna's birthday.

The piano room was not locked luckily, so when we entered I immediately placed her in the nearest leather chairs. As I stood back I could see Anna already had her eyes closed despite that I had never told her to in the first place. I assumed that she thought the gift was a physical object.

Still, I went along with it and proceeded to the piano's seat, "ok Anna. You can open your eyes" and I watched from her expression went from eagerness to surprise.

Her mouth opened, but no words came out, and I took that moment to start playing. I had been working hard especially during my piano lessons to play this for Anna, which was difficult in terms of creating something on my own. She stayed silent the whole time as I played the brief tune on the piano, before stopping to wait for her to say something.

"It beautiful but..." my heart sank, "it was only thirty seconds."

"I know, but I was planning on doing was that every birthday I would add another 30 seconds" she was speechless, before I gasped at her tears.

"W-wouldn't that be a long t-time?"

She was trying not to cry, and I feel the sting of guilt, "yeah, but that means I have a full year to make sure the next 30 seconds fits perfectly." She jumped on me and buried her head in my shoulder. She was probably trying to avoid me from seeing her cry. "I will play from the beginning every year so you can hear how it develops. Only you are allowed to hear it, ok" I could feel her nodding.

"I love you so much Elsa" I patted her head and led her back to her room.

Only after I tucked her in and closed the door I added, "I love you too Anna.." I trailed back to my room, to see the carpet drenched in water, and had to take a towel to clean it up. When I peered under my bed, I saw where the source of the water had come from. My nightmares had been causing me to buildup ice underneath the bed over the past few years, and ended up melting after there was no more room.

Oh well. There was nothing I could do to fix the nightmares. They were always with me.

* * *

Finally another chapter up. I am so happy for all your follows and reviews. Not to mention some of you mentioned about spreading the story. I am planning on making some fanart dedicated later on in the chapters. Please continue with your comments.!


	4. Memories and Accidents

"Elsa. Psst. Elsa! Psst" my sister's voice had awoken me from another nightmare as usual.

However, I found myself not wanting to open my eyes. Sometimes, if I do not want to actually sleep, but keep my eyes closed, I can still feel restful without having to have my re-occurring bad dreams.

I found it difficult to keep my eyes from opening, as my sister began to bounce on me.

"Wake up. Wake up. Wake up" she repeated like before.

I grumbled and tried to shut my eyes tighter, "Anna, go back to sleep" and take advantage of the fact that you can dream pleasantly. I froze for a moment, realizing how rude that thought came out.

"I just can't. The sky's awake, so I'm awake, so we have to play" I tried to avoid grunting when she rolled her body on me.

Why should I? I was too old to be playing after all." Go play by yourself" besides, she did not always need me to play. She was creative, unlike me. She was energetic enough, unlike me.

Surely, she could have one of the nanny's play with her if she wanted them too. They would do anything for her.

I pushed her off the bed and immediately regretted it. What would happen if she hurt herself from the fall? Then it would be all my fault if Anna cries, and I would be in big trouble. I should have known better.

After a few seconds of silence, I felt Anna re-climbed and actually forced my eye to open, "do you want to build a snowman?"

Did she…just ask me what I wanted to do? It was not like yesterday, where it was something she wanted to do, and was only asking me to join her, but she actually asked me. She actually asked me what I wanted to do.

My eyes shot open, and I smiled at the thought, "…definitely." I sat straight up, but cringed a bit when my hand was pricked by something.

"What's wrong Elsa" she asked while jumping off the bed.

I shook my head, "it is nothing Anna. Just give me a second, and I will meet you outside" and waited patiently as she danced her way out, closing the door behind her.

With a quick glance to my hand, I noticed something in the palm of my hand. It was a small icicle, no bigger than a thorn on a rose.

My nightmares must have caused me to create pieces of icicles, and I ended up sleeping on them. Luckily, it was easy to pull out, but I could still feel it sting for being there for a while. I decided I would check the rest of my bed later on tonight. That is if it had not melted by then.

I slipped on my shoes and rushed out the door with the eagerness of doing what I wanted to do for a change. The moment I left the room, Anna grabbed my hand and pulled me all the way to the ballroom.

"Come on, come on, come on, come on" I felt a bit paranoid. If we were caught I would be in big trouble. I was not worried about Anna, because she did not know any better. I did though.

"Do the magic, do the magic" I laughed. That is what I loved about my little sister so much.  
Sometimes, being able to have ice magic and impress people made me feel special. It made me feel as if I had done no wrong. I did not have to place my foot specifically anywhere, I did not have to motion my hands any proper way, I did not have to memorize any steps to do this. No one else could do this, which meant no one could tell me how to do it.

I waved my hands; creating a snowball in process before throwing it in the air and making it burst. No one can tell me how to control my power properly. It was one of the few things in my life that they cannot tell me what to do.

"This is amazing" I felt so happy being praised. I do not get praised for doing things right, it is usually expected of me. Anything that was not a lecture or pointing out my mistakes, there were no compliments. Receiving no comments at all was my compliment.

"Watch this" I tried not to squeal happily as I tap my foot on the floor, allowing a layer of ice to cover the ground.  
Soon enough, I began to find myself trying to keep up with Anna's energetic attitude, "again! Again" she kept jumping from snow platform to snow platform, running even faster.

"Slow down" I stated. Why will she not listen to me? I knew that she often never listens, but can she once just listen to me? Especially since I am her sister.

I began to worry while I took a step back. The ice caused me to slip to the ground, but I was more focused on Anna falling.

"Anna" in the blink of an eye Anna was struck by my powers, sending her to tumble safely in the snow. I rushed over to hold her, and could see a strand of her hair turning white. "Mamma! Papa" I dropped all formalities due to my lack of understanding of what to do. I had just struck my own sister!

I could see all the ice around the ballroom growing sharper as my parents rushed in, "Elsa, what have you done? This is getting out of hand!" I bit my lip, knowing what I had done.

"Anna" my mother yelled as they both took her in their arms. It was all my fault. I did not mean to. I knew I had no right to make up excuses, but I could not help myself.

"It was an accident. I'm sorry Anna" but they ignored me.

"She's ice cold" my heart began to race, knowing perfectly well what it could mean. How could I do such a thing?

"…I know where we have to go" they stood up and told me to hold on to Anna for a brief moment. During that time, I could see a bit of glare in their expressions. The moment they left me alone with Anna I buried my head into her body.

I did not know that my powers would shoot out like that; it was just a panic reflex. I knew I should have never listened to Anna, and because of me, Anna could die any minute. I looked around again to see the ice becoming sharp.

Why could I never do anything right?

They came back soon enough to grab Anna and me. We ended up setting off by horse to a destination that I was unaware that existed. I was even more surprised when actual rock came to life.

"Your majesty. Born with powers or cursed" I kept silent, knowing that I would only make things worse by trying to help.

"Born. And they're getting stronger" I tried not to look away as my mother brought Anna over to the talking rock. I only hope Anna was ok…what if they think I did it on purpose?

"You are lucky it wasn't her heart. The heart is not so easily changed, but the head can be persuaded" my heart felt as if it had been struck instead. If I had accidentally hit Anna, then I would have ended up killing her.

"Do what you must" just hearing my father talk made me guilty. He did not have to say anything, but I knew he blamed me for this. I am the only one who caused this. It was my responsibility to take care of my sister and I could not even do that right.

"I recommend we remove all magic, even memories of magic to be safe… But don't worry, I'll leave the fun" did that mean he would remove my magic also? I was perfectly fine with that. I did not deserve this ability in the first place.

It was not what I was expecting. When he said removing all the magic, he meant the magic that was killing my sister. I watched with a broken heart as all her memories of my powers disappeared, but it was for the best.

"She will be okay."

"But she won't remember I have powers" I kept on forgetting to speak formal. My head was spinning on just trying to keep my thoughts together.

"It's for the best" I could hear the disappointment in his voice. It was for the best though.

"Listen to me, Elsa, your power will only grow" that was something I did not want to know. I am already stressing over the fact that I almost killed my younger sister. "There is beauty in your magic…but also great danger" I know. "You must learn to control it" I know. "Fear will be your enemy."

I gasped and hid my face in my father's chest. His hold did little to comfort me, "No. We'll protect her. She can learn to control it. I'm sure" I felt as if when he said 'protect her' he really meant Anna. It was my fault that Anna was hurt. If anyone needing to protected, it was Anna.

I listened intently and with guilt as my father and I agreed that I should stay in my room whenever possible. My lessons will be taken in my room, as well as my meals. Not once did I ever disagree with him.

The moment we returned to the castle, I rushed straight into my room, not bothering to stop if they called out to me. They did not. I closed the door and sat with my knees drawn up to my chest.

I was the oldest, and, therefore, all responsibility was placed on me. I could not even keep myself from hurting Anna, so how can I be expected to run a kingdom. Just moments before I was actually happy doing something that I thought I could never mess up on, but I was wrong.

I sat there until the sun rose, and the moment I heard a knock, I looked up.

"Elsa! You won't believe what I dreamt of" I kept silent, hoping she would think I was asleep, "I dreamt I was kissed by a troll. Pretty funny huh- Elsa, the door is locked" she began to jiggle at the knob.

My heart was beating fast at the thought of Anna coming in. I had to make a decision; to keep my sister safe or keep her happy? "…Go away Anna" I held my breath waiting for her to cry or beg.

"I see, you want a day to yourself huh? Like your own Elsa time or something" that was not what I meant. "All right Elsa. We will play tomorrow. See you later for lunch" but I was not going to go out for lunch. I was going to eat all my meals inside my room from now on.

I looked back to my bed for a brief moment, noticing something glittering in the light. After I stood up and slowly approached my bed, I saw a small hole.

My hands had run gently on the surface of the sheets, before I pricked my fingers. I gasped quietly and decided to tug on the blankets as well as the covers. I was shocked.

The nightmares did not create bits of icicles, but my whole bed was pierced and destroyed in large daggers. The tip had barely made it to the surface. My next nightmare would have sent the ice to stab me.

That was my final reason to keep Anna safe. It was more than obvious by now that I was a threat to Anna, and to everyone in the kingdom. I had to quickly chisel away at the ice with anything strong in my room, before my nanny came in for my basic lessons.

When she did come in for my first lesson she brought up something, "I heard that you have decided that you would be in your room more often. Is that right?" I nodded, and wondered if my father had mentioned to her about my ice powers.

"Yes, it is right" I formally replied.

"It is good to hear that. You need every ounce of your time to focus on your education. You do not have time to be playing" I nodded and kept quiet.

The lessons continued along with my nightmares. I would often find myself waking up early from a bad dream just in time to chisel away at the ice. I used to be able to remove it without thought, but for some reason the ice that I unintentionally created refused to dissolve, unless by force.

The day after my 'Elsa time' Anna came knocking on my door, mainly because she already tried to jiggle at the knob a bit before.

"Elsa! Let's go play. Elsa, Elsa, Elsa" she repeated, hoping to get an answer from me. I had to be strong. I would break Anna's heart, but it would not kill her.

"Go away Anna" I tried to avoid quivering. The ice covered my bed sheets, forcing me to crumple it up to avoid spreading.

"Oh…oh, ok…I will try tomorrow then. See you Elsa" I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I could hear the disappointment in everyone's voices. That was all it was.

On that same day during one of my lessons, I could hear a loud crash from outside, followed by the sound of laughing.

"Come and catch me" she squealed, and I lifted an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Princess Anna, let's finish our lessons for today. All right" the voice passed by the door and disappeared along with Anna's voice.

The next day, Anna's voice woke me up. For a moment, I freaked out and accidentally froze my pillow thinking that Anna had managed to slip in my room.

However, she was only talking through the door. Actually she was singing.

Her voice was so pleasant unlike my own. I wish I could sing as well as her. I knew she wanted me to come out, and for a brief moment, I was actually thinking about doing so but the pillow told me otherwise.

"Go away Anna" I stated. The pain in my heart did not subside with each time I had to say it. It was my fault that all of this happened. If I were not so much of a horrible person, none of this would have happened.

"Uh…sure… I guess" and I could hear the same disappointment as she left me alone. Anna was so lucky. She never had to deal with this. It was easy only wanting to have fun, rather than worrying about powers that could kill someone.

During my lessons, I was able to take a break. I peeked out the door of my room to make sure that Anna was not there, before slipping out. I walked around the castle to stretch my legs, ignoring the door that I had told Anna to never go down in.

At one of the corners, I stopped when there was another loud crash, "Oh Anna" the voice of a nanny spoke.

"I-I'm s-sorry. I didn't mean to. It was an accident" it sounded as if Anna was about to cry. Was she about to get in trouble?

"It's not your fault. Accidents happen, so cheer up. I will make you something to eat" I sighed. Anna hardly ever gets in trouble. She was too young to know better.

I quickly made my way back to my room for the continuation of my lessons and closed the door behind me. If I had stayed there any longer Anna would have seen me out of my room. I had to be careful.

The idea of running into Anna and causing another blast of ice created a buildup of ice of one of the flower vases. It shattered, and I gasped. I kept forgetting that if I did not focus, my powers would spread. As my father says; Conceal it, do not feel it, do not let it show.

Linda came in right at the moment I was trying to use a towel to clean the mess up, "what happened here?"

I was not sure what to say, "I…bumped into the vase…sorry."

She strolled over to pick up the pieces for me, "you cannot do this. You are supposed to be more graceful. How can you rule a kingdom, if everything you touch breaks" but it was my first time that I actually broke something.

I found myself bringing Anna in the topic, "Anna broke-" and Linda gave me a disappointed look. I looked down towards the floor, in order to avoid her guilt trip.

"Anna is younger than you. She does not know better. She does not have a kingdom to run in the future. I would suggest taking responsibility before playing the blame game. You are too old for that" and she walked out to throw away the pieces.

She was right. I should know better.

* * *

Thank you so much for the reviews. I have a grammarly edit account and have been using it. Sometimes it does not always tell me what specifically to change. Elsa is the only one that is supposed to have no contractions in her sentences. She is very formal. I know in the movie she does use can't, wasn't, but eh. It does not seem like she should/would act. The others are fine. They are supposed to be talking their actual formality of the 1800s but that stuff gives me a headache. I actually talk like this XD 'let us' and 'we are' etc.

I appreciate the pointing out on my grammar. Sometimes the site does not recognize that dialogue and grammar do not go side by side. Over half the time we talk, we are often grammarly speaking wrong.

Do not worry, I always re-read my chapters and constantly fix errors that I might notice.


	5. Ice Rabbit

One day, during my break from my lessons, I could see Anna playing outside from my window, watching her trying to catch a rabbit. I internally chuckled knowing that even without me, Anna could still find a way to keep herself preoccupied.

She probably must have taken a day off from her classes. The lord only knows she deserved it after almost dying by my magic; she deserved to be happy. As I saw the rabbit jump into the bush, a thought came over me. Anna could never know that I had ice powers, and I cannot get near her without hurting her. So..maybe if I used my powers when she was not paying attention?

With a quick wave of my hand from the window, I tried to see if I could trap it for Anna to catch. Nothing too obvious, but maybe having the rabbit's foot get stuck in some ice would not be noticeable. Anna was not one for unusual details unlike I.

However, Anna ended up chasing a different rabbit than the one that I was sure was stuck in the bush. I sighed, realizing that it just was not the same. Still, I cold at least watch over Anna from my window in case she was ever in trouble.

Another thing I noticed was that it was such a beautiful day to be outside, and being inside my room made it feel gloomy. But it was worth it to protect Anna. I waved away the ice, or at least I was sure that I did, and expected the rabbit to jump out. It did not.

In a single moment, the windowsill began to be covered in ice from the tip of my fingers that had trailed along the bottom frame. I gasped and took a step back before grabbing a towel to wipe off the frost. However, it was spreading to the ceiling. I did not even notice that there was already a buildup of small yet sharp icicles hanging from the ceiling. When did they appear and for how long where they there?

There was no way I could reach it with my towel. I needed to find something to take it down. I could not just vanish it away like I used to do, because before everything was intentional and since this was definitely not made it even more difficult to get rid of.

I jumped and threw the towel on the bed as one of the nannies knocked, "Princess Elsa, it is time to resume your lessons." It was Gilda, one of Anna's nannies.

I had no choice but to unlock the door and allow her inside. I kept my eyes straight to avoiding from looking at the ceiling, just in case her eyes followed also. My body was stiff as if it were not sure where to move yet.

"...Maybe it would be best if I did not take my lessons today... I am not feeling very well" I spoke causing her to look over at me worriedly.

"Are you ill, Princess Elsa" she asked, drawing closer to feel my forehead. "Here let me-" I took a step back and raised my hands to distance us.

"No."

"Princess Elsa, let me feel your forehead," I took another step back before my eyes unwillingly casted towards the ceiling. Three large icicles broke out of nowhere and shot down towards Gilda.

"I said no," I yelled quickly and ran into her with enough force to push her into the ground and away from being stab by my ice. The yelling was really to keep Gilda from hearing the icicles break upon contact with the ground.

Gilda pushed me off to stand up. I could see clearly that she was angry, "Princess Elsa! What is wrong with you? This is not how you treat other people, especially after all they have done for you."

I bit my lip in guilt but stood up straight with a fierce gaze, sending the nanny's eyes to widen in shock. She had never seen me give such a look, but of course I was just pretending. Really, I was feeling sad and guilty on the inside.

"I want to see mother and father," I firmly stated.

"Princess Elsa, you know you cannot-" she tried to explain, but I shook my head.

"That is an order. I want to see them...now" I tried not to flinch as her eyes narrowed.

"Fine! I have never in my life seen such a rude child before! I will go, but you should learn to respect people! You are old enough to know better" and with that she slammed the door, causing the rest of the icicles to crash all around me. Luckily none was close enough to me; otherwise it would have hit me.

I was rude, was I not? A sting of guilt came over me as I waited until Linda came instead to bring me to my mother and father. Gilda must be too upset to look at me.

When I was guided to a room where my father currently was, the servants left the two of us alone, "I can barely touch anything without freezing it." My eyes gazed towards the floor in disappointment, but he did not say anything in comfort.

He thought for a moment before he turned to look in one of the drawers, and pulled out a pair of gloves. He kneeled before me, which I tensed a bit.

"The gloves will help" he patted my hand, "see? You're good..." was that supposed to help make me feel better? I should be grateful though, "Conceal it."

"Don't feel it," I added with a fake smile, accidently dropping my formality a bit.

"Don't let it show," it was not proper of me to talk in such a way. My father was the King, and my mother was the Queen, so they had the power to speak how they wanted. Anna was too young and did not care as much. The servants and citizens can speak that way too because they did not have the proper education.

After that, I reassumed my lessons, and during my lessons I at one point heard Anna crying not far from my room.

"Princess Anna, what's wrong" a nanny spoke to her worriedly.

"I-I f-found a-a dead rabbit in the bushes" she sobbed.

"It's ok sweetie. It has gone to a better place."

"B-but I am not upset a-about t-that."

"Then why are you upset?"

"I-it looks l-like it has b-been s-stabbed with an i-icicle... and there was b-blood."

"..."

After the first time that I had accidently hurt Anna, my old nightmares of things that never belonged to me slowly changed to the nightmares of my attack on Anna.

It began to dwell from there; it altered often from sometimes accidently hurting my sister to intentionally hurting my sister. The difference was my expressions. Then there were nightmares of the adults surrounding me, mocking me, berating me for things I could never do.

I woke up from a knock on the door, "...yes?"

"Princess Elsa" the nanny said, "are you going to be attending Anna's birthday?"

I looked down to see the ice had pierced my nice sheets again, "no."

"Are you sure" I nodded, knowing that she could not see me.

"Princess Anna" she repeated in question.

"I am sure" I stood up and began to get dressed.

"All right then, Linda is here when you are ready to begin your lesson" her footsteps carried her away. Has it been a year already? Time sure flies in isolation, but I did have my lessons to keep me preoccupied.

I tried to keep my mind focus; otherwise I would be scolded for slacking off. It was that kind of attitude which often led to the downfall of many kingdoms, something most people do not forgive.

"Linda" I interrupted her accidently.

"I am in the middle of teaching something. Do you need something?" Linda was not rude, she was just firm and focused. DIstractions often irritated Linda, that was all.

"Will you ask mother and father if I could bring one of the pianos to my room" she lifted an eyebrow hearing my unusual statement.

"Is this for practice" she asked with the same expression.

I nodded, "yes, it is for practice."

"Oh..." she stated in surprise. Her eyes widen before calmly replying, "I do not see the harm in it. I am sure the King and Queen will be fine, so we do not need to bother them."

"Thank you."

"Of course. Now back to your lessons. I will have a few men come to bring it in" I nodded once again and returned back to my studies.

The lessons were still short since it was Anna's birthday, and I watched Linda leave with the men after keeping the promise to bring the piano, or at least any of the pianos.

I waited a few minutes to make sure they had left completely before rushing to my bed. I took the pillow that luckily was unnoticed by anyone and shoved it under the blankets, trying to create a lump big enough for a person.

I could get in trouble. I could get in big trouble. For lying, for leaving my room, for going to Anna's birthday party. They never said I could not go, but that was too old for it. As long as Anna did not see me out of my room, I could watch her birthday from a distance.

I ignored the spread of my ice across the ceiling as I rushed down the hallway since hardly anyone ever looked up. I was careful around the corners in case someone was there, but thankfully everyone was celebrating at Anna's party.

The moment I reached the door to the dining room I leaned in without touching anything, and watched through the crack of the door as Anna cheerfully enjoyed her party. I smiled seeing her happy. That was the only good thing I have ever done for her.

I was careful when they moved to the ballroom to continue the celebration, and I was careful when they were leaving. It did have to end after all, and I slipped away back to my room.

I waited and waited until the last light went off, and when it did, I waited some more. At first, I thought Anna was not going to come. I did not tell her to come, but I had mentioned before that I would do this for her birthday every year.

I sighed sadly, realizing she was not going to come. Why would she? After all that I had done to keep her out.

I began to move from my piano seat when I heard a knock on the door, "Elsa...um...I thought you were going to play something tonight. I...I didn't see you in the piano room, so I thought that maybe...you forgot?...well...good night" I quickly sat down and hit a random key to let her know I was there.

The shadows under the cracks told me she heard, and I began to play from the beginning adding a few more seconds, just like I promised.

It was silent for a moment.

"...Thank you Elsa...could I...at least come in to hear it? I promise I will leave after..." my heart broke hearing my sister getting so used to the isolation. She was too young for that. I was young and alone before Anna was born, but I was heir to the throne and I still am, but I was also an older sister.

I was actually considering it before I looked to see the floor beginning to be covered in the ice, reaching towards the door where Anna was at. If it reached the door, it would certainly reach Anna. I jumped and skidded with my towel as fast as possible. After falling on my knees, I shoved the towel within the cracks.

"...Good night Anna" I stated calmly, but really my heart was racing at the thought of another accident.

"...Good night Elsa" she whispered before slowly getting up and walking away.

I buried my hands in my face.

* * *

Thank you all for the review and follows so far. I love reading your comments. If you want to know what song ELsa was playing that she 'made'(eh, it is fanfic so I can!) I am not sure. Personally, I think it is 'A tale of two sisters' theme song. If you have not seen the movie, watch it. If you have not heard the song, youtube it! It is sad! Anyway keep on commenting please!


	6. Royal heir

"Watch this" I tried not to squeal happily as I tap my foot on the floor, allowing a layer of ice to cover the ground.

Soon enough, I began to find myself trying to keep up with Anna's energetic attitude, "again! Again" she kept jumping from snow platform to snow platform, running even faster.

"Slow down" I commented.

I began to worry while I took a step back. The ice caused me to slip to the ground, but the first thing I was more focused on was Anna falling.

"Anna" in the blink of an eye Anna was struck by my powers, sending her to tumble safely in the snow. I rushed over to hold her, and could see a strand of her hair turning white. "Mamma! Papa!"

No one came, yet Anna was dying.

"Mother! Father!" her body was becoming colder and colder with each passing second.

Still no one came, and I watched as my sister was fully lifeless and rotting blue.

My eyes shot open to bring me back to reality and my body quickly sat up straight. I buried my hands in my hair in order to calm myself down for a little bit. Another nightmare, but what was she to expect when they were nothing but nightmares; not once during her twelve years were they pleasant dreams.

Not far outside my room I could hear Anna singing, and trying to get me to open the door. However, I just ignored her to focus on waking up.

My pillows and sheets where not destroyed luckily and the curtains were still intact, but as my gaze traveled across the room it stopped. My breathing tightened when seeing the wall fully covered in ice.

I jumped frantically out of my bed and tried to scrub it off with one of my towels, but it was much more difficult this time around. It was as if it was getting stronger.

I took a step back to see how thick the wall was covered ice, "no…" I whimpered, trying to keep myself calm, but the ice on the walls only increased with each failed attempt.

A knock on the door caught her attention, "Princess Elsa" it was not the nanny Gilda from the last time; she still has not spoken to me after our last conversation. It was probably one of the newer nannies.

"…Yes" I asked since I was unsure of how to respond.

"It is time for your lessons today" I shook my head and watched her jiggle the door knob to get in, but the ice had already covered enough of the door to prevent her from doing so.

"…I need to see mother and father" I spoke as calmly as I can, but how could I when everything was getting worse?

"Is something wrong Princess Elsa" the nanny spoke with such a soft voice, it made her much younger than the other nannies. Surely, she was not as firm-minded as the others.

"It is urgent…Please" I added the plea, hoping she would not persist in asking difficult questions. Was I all right? Yes, the ice did not harm me yet. Was I ok? No, because my ice is harming everyone else.

"I understand" no she did not. She did not understand what I was going through at the moment. She did not understand that I was spending every single moment in my room learning how to rule, when I could not even control my own powers.

How was I supposed to do my duties in the future, while I was unfit to carry out my basic duties currently? Yet, I was supposed to be grateful that I am privileged with such an 'extravagant' life to where I could never oppose the decisions of others?

Of course, I was. I was a child still. Too young to make my own decisions, but too old to be doing anything else besides my duties. I had no right to live like royalty when all I did was take everything for granted.

There are a lot of kingdoms who do not even treat their own citizens fairly, and here I was acting as if the world revolved around me.

I began to pace around mentally debating with myself, trying to find one thing that I could agree on with myself, trying to find one thing that was not my fault.

I drifted off from blaming myself to deciding how in the world am I supposed to hold down that powers those were claimed to be 'only growing'?

After another knock on the door, I rushed to pull it open, which I found a bit difficult from all the ice. I quickly closed the door and began to pace around, still paranoid over everything.

Of course my parents would be worried about me, they needed the heir to be in mental condition, right? I was not exactly trying to relax. I was trying to gather my focus to speak.

"It is getting stronger! I'm scared!" I stopped quickly turning to them. What could I do? It was beginning to become more and more difficult to make the ice disappear as I use too. I have to wait until it melts, and sometimes it will barely do that also.

"You will be fine, Elsa" my father drew closer to me, causing me to flinch back. Why would he even try to comfort me when he knows perfectly well that I could accidently freeze him with my powers?

"Don't touch me! I don't want to hurt you" I pleaded with my only parents. The last thing the kingdom needed was a King and Queen injured by their own daughter. Everyone would hate me even more than they already did for my distant personality.

Then without any real thought I asked, "why?"

My father's eyes widen in confusion at my mumbling, "huh?"

"Why…why!? Why am I the black sheep of the family? Why am I cursed with these powers?" I asked these itching questions that had overtaken me often, but not enough to address it till now. "How come Anna does not have powers or anyone else in the family for that matter? Why do I not look like any of you? I hate that my powers could hurt you anytime."

It was heartbreaking to see my parents upset, but it was for their own safety. I loved my mother, my father, and my little sister very much, and would do anything to protect them. They were my family, and even if that meant keeping them away from me was for the best, then I would not hesitate to do so.

I did not mean to be rude or to question my origins to my parents. I had no right.

I watched as my mother held my father close to her, and felt a strange obscurity overcome me. They were sad that I had to stay away from them in order to protect them, but why does it feel as if they were sad about something else.

My father nodded before quietly slipping away to leave my mother and myself alone. Her gaze never left the ground and I found myself staring in concern.

"We were planning on telling you when you were older but…" She took a deep breath and I found myself nervous at her words, "I think you should know."

"Know…What" I asked as my paranoia began to build up. What where they not telling me? What did I not know?

"…You are not my daughter" my mother clenched her eyes and her body tensed as if I was going to attack her.

My heart stopped and I found myself speechless for a moment. My mind drew blank as if everything that I had learned had to be thrown out to understand and sink in of what she had just said.

After a brief moment of shocked my lips trembled, "w-what are you saying?" Maybe I misunderstood her, since I have been so paranoid over things that I mishear people often.

"…Your…your mother was hung for the accusation of adultery" adultery? As in sleeping with someone else when already married? She was my mother though. The woman right here was my mother. My mother was not hung for anything, she was right here…right?

"My mother was…" My voice drifted off, unintentionally repeating what she stated.

"You were too young to know. You are still considered heir to the throne because, it was later found out that the accusation was false" my mother committed adultery, but did not? I kept quiet, though I was not sure of what I could say if I could, as she continued to speak, "No one knows… They think you are my child, otherwise the King's power would be put into question."

Then… then… then if I was not her child what did that mean? What did that make me?

I silently turned around to face away from the Queen as my hands shook slightly. If she was not my mother, but my second mother, my step-mother, it meant that Anna was my step-sister.

It meant that since the current woman is Queen, only Anna was a princess.

It meant that my title of Princess Elsa should have been stripped the moment the King had remarried.

It meant that my title would have been changed to 'Lady Elsa' not 'Princess Elsa.'

It meant that I was not the true heir of Arendelle.

Anna was, and I… I was just a leftover.

I kept quiet, trying to find my courage to speak, "…just go" I whispered, and she heard.

"Elsa," I could feel as if she wanted to come closer to comfort me, put without looking back I raised my hand to stop her.

"Please…" There were no words I could say to convince her otherwise. I listened as her heels drew away from the room and closed the door behind her; however, I still stood there for another few moments, trying to regain my composure.

My hands drew around my shoulders slowly while my body began to shake. Snow began to appear in a circular motion, as I realized what was happening.

I raised and grasped my hair, trying hard to control myself, but the speed of the snow began to pick up, turning the whole room into a blizzard.

My eyes widen and my throat was hurting when I threw back my head and began to scream. I began to scream without any sounds, and thrashed my body in a spinning motion with the storm.

The mirrors and glass began to crack as I tried to regain my composure, but nothing was working. My mind was on a rage with the indoor weather that I had created

as the words silently pierced my ears over and over.

I am the child of a Harlot!

I am an illegitimate child!

I called her mother all these years!

I am not a princess!

I am a Lady, such as a stranger to the family! Lady Elsa! Not Princess Elsa!

The storm was drawing in closer and closer as I fell to the floor and began to roll un-lady like. I was bashing my head backwards onto the floor, hoping that I would

just die right there and then. The only thing that kept me from continuing my crazy tantrum was the ice piercing everything in my room, many of the ice barely missing me.

I wanted to stay calm, but how could I? I am not even part of that family. I should have never had asked! I should have never have asked why I did not look like them.

My heart was racing as the snow died down, covering everything in a white blanket of my lying reality. This room was fit only for a princess, a real princess like Anna!

Another round of icicles almost piercing my head kept me once again from freaking out.

I had no idea how long I was in my moment of hysteria. None of the nannies came by to check on me for my lessons.

I just only crawled into my bed with whatever strength I had left, and stared at the wall in front of me until I drifted to sleep.

* * *

I am going way too soft on Elsa personally. So far I consider this a pleasant life, because I am that horrible. Anyway, please review and comment! Anything will do, because I enjoy reading what you write.


	7. Thank you

I sat at my desk during one of my lessons, patiently reading. The room began to dim and soon enough the window fades into the dark.

"Princess Elsa" I looked up to stare at a faceless nanny towering over me.

"Yes?"

"Sit up straight. You are slouching again" she said.

"Sorry."

"Princess Elsa" I looked in the other direction to see another faceless nanny towering over me also. "you need to rewrite this. It looks very sloppy."

"Sorry."

"Princess Elsa" another one appeared, "do not tilt your head like that when talking to someone."

"Sorry."

"Princess Elsa, you are too old to be playing such childish games" another nanny appeared from the darkness in front of her.

My eyes widen and I stood from my desk but all I could say was "sorry." I turned to walk away but another one appeared.

"Anna is younger than you. That is why" I skidded to a halt as another one appeared. The room was now too dark to see anything except the adults, and I began to run.

I covered my ears and repeated another, "sorry."

I ran past another nanny as she spoke, "Anna does not know any better. She is just a young girl" I nodded hoping that they would leave me alone.

"You have to stop blaming others for your own mistakes" why would they just stop? I already know!

"You are heir of Arendelle, so your studies are important" I am not the heir. I skidded to a halt once again as strangers who had surrounded me began to mumble things I could not quite understand. In the distance amongst the crowd, I could see my family staring at me with nothing but disappointment.

"You need to take responsibility for your actions. No one is going to hold your hand when you become Queen" and I am not the Queen. I am not supposed to be. My head begins to ache as the people started to spin all around me similar to the storm in my room.

"You should know better Princess Elsa" I am not a Princess!

I screamed, "stop" as my surroundings were blocked in a white blast.

My eyes shot open but I was still in the darkness as the scenery faded and returned back into my room. Their silhouetted bodies were pierced and hung from the walls by my own icicles

"No… I did not mean to do that" I whimpered seeing the area decorated with bodies like pictures on walls. I bit my fist to keep myself from crying, turning around to see the bodies building up and appearing from nowhere.

"Anna…" my eyes widen in terror as her young frame hung above the rest. I ran towards the wall and grasped the limbs on the bodies, trying desperately to climb and reach her; however, they were already corpses by then, causing them to fall apart.

"Anna" I yelled and I awoke from my nightmare. I slowly sat up straight to see my new curtains destroyed from the icicles, before burying my face in my hands. I was still tired, but did not want to go back to sleep.

A minute had passed before I heard a knock on the door. I kept quiet though, waiting for them to speak first,"Elsa..." it was Anna. She was the last person I wanted to hear from, or at least right at the moment I wanted to avoid hearing from her.

"...Yes Anna" I replied, wondering what she wanted to ask.

"Um...today...is my birthday..." I looked up and stared at the door with weary eyes. I wanted to go but I did not at the same time. She was so privileged on having a birthday without having to hear about growing up. She could ride her bikes around the halls, make her own snowman when the winter actually comes, dance and sing in the ballroom in the silliest way that she wants.

However, I have to grow up, I have to ensure that my family is safe from me, I have to take responsibility for my actions because I am heir...but I am not, am I?

I am not heir, or at least, I am not supposed to be. Anna is supposed to be heir and yet she always seems as if she wants to have fun!

"...Are you coming..." she softly spoke, and I closed my eyes to calm myself.

"No... I am busy" I had lessons to learn. So enjoy your birthday Anna.

"Please Elsa, I-" Anna tried to quickly respond but my eyes tightened in annoyance.

"I said no" my eyes shot open in anger. I silently gasped and froze as the ice shot from the bed and was only inches away from piercing me. My eyes widened as I calmed myself down quietly and avoided moving.

"...Why are you cold..." she asked, and I stayed silent. "...why won't you open the door?"

"...It's none of your business" I clenched my teeth.

"...ok... I'm sorry Elsa" I could see the shadow from underneath the door frame leave, and I broke the edge of the icicles to give myself space to move.

I glided off my bed and peered out the door to make sure Anna was not there still,"no...I am sorry" I should not have yelled at her like that. I was not sure what came over me, I could only assume that my nightmares were catching up with my stress. I had to be careful with everything.

I was already making Anna's life miserable by shutting her out, despite just trying to protect her, but...why was I so mad at her? It was not her fault that I am... harlot's child. It did not mean that I had any right to take my anger out on her, just because we were not actually sisters.

Since my powers have been getting worse I had to take my lessons away from my bedroom in order to prevent the servants or nannies from finding out. They never question why my sheets or curtains would get destroyed on almost a daily basis.

Actually, I only have it replaced after a certain period of time to avoid them questioning me. If they were to find out about my powers they could cause panic amongst the citizens. Things could get out of hand.

I continued with my daily lessons, making sure that I was not focused on anything else but that. However, once in a while I found my mind replaying the scene where I yelled at Anna over and over again. I felt so guilty for yelling at her like that, as if it was her fault. It was not her fault, if anything it should be mine. Hopefully, she would still come to receive her birthday gift.

As the lessons once again ended early for Anna's birthday I waited in my room this time. I did not want to be so close to everyone like that, because if I was and my powers become more than a hassle, then everyone in the ballroom could end up like in my dream.

Even if me and Anna were not really sisters, I still cared for her. All she wanted to do was be close to me, and it was painful to push her away. In truth, what would I rather have? A lonely sister or a dead one?

I had become nervous as time passed for Anna's birthday. I hoped she was having a good time at least, with or without me. The moment the lights started to go out throughout the castle I strolled over to the piano in my room to wait even more.

I would not blame her if she did not come, I was rude to her after all. She came the last time when I thought she would not, but that did not necessarily mean she would do the same thing today.

She did come for her gift. I played the song on the piano carefully and slow enough to ensure there were no mistakes. There was nothing else I could really give her, and felt that this music could define how much she did mean to me. Even if we were not real sisters.

"Elsa?" she asked through the door.

"Yes Anna" I tried to play if off as if I never said anything before. I tried to act as if I was not rude to my sister earlier today.

"I am sorry" I stopped playing when she said that."I-It was my fault, I shouldn't have asked..." I could hear her take a deep breathe before continuing,"I don't know what's wrong, or why you are distant from everyone, but... that's ok."

I blinked in confusion by my sister's words, but she had more to say,"I just want to let you know... that no matter what is happening I will be right here. I won't ever ask you why you shut everyone out, but I won't give up on you. I won't give up because you're my big sister and I love you. Even if you shut the door on me every day, I will never shut you out."

My hands covered my mouth to keep myself from wanting to sob. I could not reply so with a heavy heart I searched for a piece of paper, and slipped it under the door with the words 'thank you'.

"... Would you like to build a snowman" I heard her cheerfully say, and I smiled happily and nodded.

However my gesture was not the same as my words,"no."

"Ok, Elsa...Good night" I could already imagine her still smiling, even though I rejected her offer. I stood at the door for a few moments before turning back to my bed. Then there was another knock.

"Elsa" it was the Queen. I tried not to think about our talk, but now that I knew I found it so hard to call her mother. It just did not feel right.

"Can we talk?" I nodded but refused to open the door.

"What is it" no matter how hard I tried to sound pleasant, it only came off as rude.

"Your father and I love you. We did not want you to know because" because she was afraid of me. She was afraid of what i was capable of. She was afraid of what I might do to her knowing that she was not my real mother,"we did not want you to feel as if you are not part of the family."

Liar. You are afraid. He was afraid. He was afraid of me and the thought of losing his power. He was afraid of losing his kingdom to a illegitimate child with powers. He was afraid of me wanting revenge.

"I know" I replied.

"It was not your fault about your mother. I still love you as if you were my own child" but if you had to choose between either me and Anna, we know you would have picked Anna. "Still, think about the life you were given. There are so many children that do not have what you have today."

Those words stung me, and all those bitter thoughts were washed with guilt.

She was right, I should be grateful. I know I knew this, but sometimes the feeling kept slipping away due to everything else. I know I should be grateful, but I kept getting angry at things when I should not be. I kept getting jealous, when I had no right to.

The only thing I had a right was to be afraid. Afraid of disappointing my parents. Afraid hurting my kingdom. Afraid of hurting my family. I was afraid of being hurt also. I was afraid that they might end up hurting me.

"I know... I am going to bed" I noticed that the ice still had not completely melted.

"I just wanted to let you know that" no, you wanted to remind me because you are afraid that I might hold a grudge. "Good night Elsa."

I did not reply and sat on the floor against my bed. I buried my face into my knees and closed my eyes to sleep.

* * *

I got a few essays this week so I won't be able to post as often for now. I have to wait for more money in order to continue paying for my grammar edit. I have a friend but she fixes it every tues, so i will have to wait.


	8. Eighteenth Birthday

I awoke to the quietness of my room but did nothing but stare at the wall across from me for a few moments. My body heavy a bit heavy, but maybe it had to do with the fact that I had awoken up earlier than usual.

I then heard Anna call out for me,"wake up Elsa! It is your birthday!" I slowly sat up to stare at the door, wanting to tell her to go away, but I realized something.

She said happy birthday. It was my birthday? I was feeling more sure that it was as I contemplated it.

"Come out and celebrate Elsa" was..that her father?

"After all, you are our child" and the Queen too. Why...why were they now remembering? I did not want to go but their voices were soothing and pleasant. My legs carried me off the bed and towards the door.

My hands softly latched on the knob to turn, and with a small opening peered my head out to the long hallway. Both sides of the hallway were empty, and looked as if it stretched a mile extra.

"Over here, over here" Anna's voice echoed cheerfully in the hallway. I hesitated for a brief moment, looked back a my dark room, before slipped out the door and closed it behind me.

I turned my head in both directions to guess where Anna voice was coming from,"in the ballroom, in the ballroom" Anna continued to chant happily.

I started nervously down the hallway, unsure if I should continue following Anna's voice. I should not even be out, when Anna could get hurt.

The moment my mind was starting to think that this was a bad idea and that I should turn around,"come on. You don't have to worry anymore" the Queen's voice spoke.

I froze for a second as her words pierced my broken heart, and tears started to appear from my widen eyes. I took a step forward. And then another.

I was giving a half-hearted jog down the supposedly endless hallway. Everything was going to be all right. The words felt a bit more comforting than anything they had said before.

"You won't be able to hurt anyone from now on" my heart beat painfully when I heard my father speak. The idea of no longer being able to hurt anyone anymore was the best birthday gift I could ask for, nothing else.

My feet carried me faster, and only then did the endless hallway seem to have a end. My tears fell behind me, as I turned the corner and continued to find my way around the castle. I had found myself stumbling trying to reach the ballroom as fast as I could.

The moment I reach the large double doors I threw them wide open to reveal the beautiful lights and the people dancing. I smiled through teary eyes and barely took the time to enjoy the scenery.

I started to twirl and carry myself through the crowd, as my world began to spin round and round myself. I felt the weight of a kingdom being lifted off my shoulders and I had no idea why.

The sky drew unnatural darker until I could no longer see. I stopped and looked around, expecting people to panic in the dark. There was no music and no voices.

Then the windows flashed light in seconds into the room, and disappeared for a while as I tried to see what I could not before. The windows flashed the lights of a silent thunder once again, giving a more visual scenery.

I started to slowly walk back before I bumped into something in the dark. I felt behind me and turned my head up without seeing anything.

The flash of thunder show a woman frozen in fear. I spun around and tried to walk away but only the thunder gave me sight and with every turn I saw people frozen.

The room flashed and they drew closer. The room flashed and they surrounded me.

I awoke to see the icicles spread around my bed. I needed another new bed. I wondered if I could make my own bed of ice?

I sat up to check my surroundings, unsure if I was still asleep or awake. My eyes drifted towards the door, as I waited for the knocking of my sister. Eighteen years had passed and during the past five years Anna had kept her promise of always knocking at my door.

She would always ask 'do you want to build a snowman' and I would nod yes, but always say no. I was happy that my sister still cared for me, but it was just too painful to always tell her to go away.

I knew I did not want to say this but I wish that Anna would stop knocking at my door. It would be just better if she just enjoy the rest of her childhood without me. She had no real responsibility since I was heir, despite the fact that I should not be heir, and could probably live her own life if she really wanted to.

I kept staring at the door, still waiting for her to knock. I waited, and waited some more. However, the more I thought about it I started to remember why she may not be knocking at my door.

Today was the day that the King and Queen were leaving. I got up and got dressed and threw one of my less damaged blanket over my bed to hide the icicles. I never told them about the nightmares or the damages that it caused. I have been carefully making the servants bring me new sheets without ever knowing why. I took every precaution to ensure that the ice under my bed or the damages it does to the surface of my room is hardly noticeable.

There was a knock on the door, and for a brief moment I thought it was Anna, but it was only the King and Queen.

"Come in" I spoke softly as they entered the room and closed the door behind them. They kept their distance, and I was unsure if they wanted to be close but knew that I preferred my distance or if they were secretly nervous of me. Due to my nightmares I would not be surprised, but even without my nightmares I would have still probably have come to the same conclusion.

I curtsied and looked up" do you have to go?"

They nodded and the King replied, "you'll be fine."

Yes... fine. I have nothing to worry about except that my powers could become uncontrollable and everyone dies. Or maybe someone such as the servants would find out and the news would spread. Servants are big gossipers, and are hardly ever trusted being in the same room during important meetings.

How would you react to see me hung from a noose for being a monster? Would you just make Anna heir and play it off as political advantage? Or would you be scared that people might question your authority for having a freakish child?

I nodded my head understanding as they turned to go and head out. The king was out of view as the Queen stopped with her hand in the door frame. She turned to me with a soft smile.

"Happy birthday Elsa" and closed the door behind her.

I stood in complete shock as I tried to comprehend what she had just said. It was my birthday, was it not? My eighteenth birthday.

I smiled sadly and whispered, "thank you... your majesty" but I still could not call her my mother.

I did find some courage to tell the nannies that I would not be taking my lessons today, probably because the Queen's statement made me feel.. somewhat happy. Even though I was not her child, and one of a harlot, she was never rude. The King and Queen never gave me comfort.

It was always 'you will be fine' and 'everything is all right', but I knew that it was not. That was not comforting, but they were not bad parents. They were too busy to raise their kids, that is why they had nannies.

The whole day passed and Anna had not knocked on my door, and the next morning when I expected her to knock, it was not her.

"Your majesty" majesty? I was only a princess.

"Yes" I asked nervously.

"..." I was becoming paranoid,"I am sorry to tell you that your parents have passed away."

I just stood there ask the man began to ask if I was all right.

No...

"No... no, no, no, no" I began to walked backwards as my words had no ability to form the sounds. The servant left since he could no longer hear me.

I grasped my head and tried to yank myself to look towards the ceiling to keep myself from crying. It felt so much like 'de ja vu' as the indoor blizzard surrounded me. I spun and wobbled straight like a drunkard as the icicles began to thrash everywhere.

Slash. The blizzard continues but I stopped to feel my slightly warm cheek, and withdrew to see a drop of blood. My eyes shifted and widen in horror to the long icicles that hovered next to the cheek it cut.

My knees gave way and I fell to the floor the moment a blast of ice destroyed the icicles and halted the blizzard in mid-air. I leaned my head against my door as everything was covered in snow. I never even properly said goodbye to them.

I leaned against the door for hours as I continued to feel such as a horrible daughter. The King and Queen died and I did not even say 'I love you'.

Then there was a knock. It was Anna.

"E-elsa they told m-me... that they are gone" my sister was actually crying. I wanted to cry with her, but my tears would not fall." They said...a man washed up and said they died the day they left"

In other words they died yesterday during my birthday. Anna stilled continued as I kept silent"... please... tell me you are coming... for the funeral" Anna's voice was rough from the sobbing.

I was about to say yes, but felt another drop on my hands. I looked to see the blood still dripping.

"...no" I bit my lip to prevent myself from screaming.

"What? Please" she begged with a croaked voice.

"I said I am not going" I firmly stated, wiping the rest of the blood from my cheek.

"... How could you" I heard her whisper, and was shocked. "After... after all they done, you can't even give them the proper respects. They are our parents"no, they were yours.

I still kept silent and covered my mouth,"I hate you... I hate you! So don't even bother showing up to the funeral. Stay in there like you always do!"

The moment I heard her heels click away in the distance I buried my face in my hands, as the tears leaked out. I knew she hated me. All the years I kept her out, and I knew her facade would not last long.

Deep down I always felt that she hated me.

I never left my spot against the door, waiting for the funeral to end. I should have known better. I was not sure what I should have specifically known, but I was sure there was something to blame me for.

It was always my fault.

"Elsa" Anna came back? "Please, I know you're in there people are asking where you've been" was she singing? "They say have courage and I'm trying to, I'm right out here for you. Please let me in" I wish I could but I was in no condition to talk or comfort her. Every thing I touch turns to ice, and every word I speak makes anything beautiful into crumble like ice.

She continued to sing,"we only have each other, it's just you and me" and look how useful I turned out to be. "What are we gonna do?...Do you want to build a snowman" her voice drifted off from a soft sad to a low croak.

No, I do not want to build a snowman.

I had messed up so many things that I had wished that I was dead already.


End file.
